Wet & Slippery
Boy Butter Personal Lubricant
This year has truly been a year of self-exploration. And by this I mean masturbation. Lots and lots of masturbation. Really…a lot of it. I mean at least two times a day on work days. So, it is with this in mind that I ask you for my Holiday Buyer’s Guide Pick-of-the-Year: Boy Butter Personal Lubricant.
Now Santa, I understand you’re probably thinking – that Gay Rick is such a f$%&#*g sell-out; Boy Butter is his freakin’ sponsor on the Sex is Fun podcast. But Santa, everyone knows my favorite anal sex lubes; this is my masturbation lube. I want to use this to pull one out before watching Matt Lauer on the Today Show and to squirt on the wall behind me after Chelsea Lately.
This stuff stays slick when I’m choking the chicken. As you probably [creepily] know, I like to jack off for an hour at a time. Reapplication is rare. When I’m getting a hand job, I hate it when my partner needs to stop in order to reapply lube. In order to change the world, I want you to give this to every masturbating man out there. If I were Oprah, I’d give a bottle of this to the 300 screaming soccer moms in my studio audience so they could give world-class stroke jobs.
You’re probably wondering if this stuff is going to be safe with my sex toys. You know what, Santa? Boy Butter can be used with silicone, rubber and glass sex toys. All this stuff will do is aid the process of cramming something up my ass!
This coconut oil-based lubricant is blended with an organic silicone ingredient that is often used in massage oils and hair conditioners. As I’m sure you’re aware, when I’m a decent boy, I use conditioners to jack off my partners in the shower. If you were to bring me numerous bottles of Boy Butter, I’d use that instead in order to give hand jobs while lying in my bed post drunken-debauchery. Then I’d always be on the Nice List.
As you probably know from your stalker-like watching of the world’s population, most of the silicone lubes that I like stain my sheets. I’m pretty sure you can find stains all over my bed from the activities that put me on your Naughty List. If Rudolph were to buck-kick bottles of Boy Butter down the chimney clogging the flume, my computer chair would be stain-free. I would only need to throw down a hand-towel to catch my jizz instead of the full-size, plush, jumbo-towel that protects the chair from my lube and seed.
Post-coitus my room reeks of sex – nasty, piggy, upside-down, face-in-the-pillow, screaming-so-loud-the-neighbors-two-floors-up-can hear, toe-curling sex. Let’s be honest – jizz and butt-sex have some pretty obvious odors. And to be even more honest, that’s all I want to smell. Not some glycerin-filled lube. Boy Butter is odorless which is why your pudgy, little hands need to wrap up 30 bottles to put under my XXX-mas tree.
I do indeed remember that this is an oil-based lubricant and should not be used with latex condoms. As your fat-ass is probably also aware of, I am a HIV educator. This stuff will wear down latex. It should only be used for masturbation or if I’m having sex with a fluid-bonded partner.
So Santa, bring me some Boy Butter Personal Lubricant. If you’re good, I may even give you a handy.
P.S. Please don’t worry about me thinking about Mrs. Claus’ cookies. I’m gay